The 7 Jewels of a wife….
Posted by: hoffie1 on: December 12, 2011
- In: family | islam | marriage | religion
- 4 Comments
Someone sent this to me by email and I thought I would share it… as well as my comments…
1. The Patient
The woman who remains patient in all circumstances,
and never whines, moans and complains.
When some trouble or affliction hits her,
she turns to ALLAH (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) for help.
As difficult as this may seem… I agree with this point. Men really hate when their wife moan and complains… it is our nature. I try not to complain too much. When I don’t complain he wants to be with me more… So I just try to keep my complaints to myself, or share them with my friends… unless he asks me about some certain circumstance.
2. The Protector
The woman who protects her husband’s wealth
& her chastity when he is away from home.
When he returns , she does not
burden him with the day’s problems ,
but listens attentively to his needs
and does her best to take his tiredness away.
Yes! This is completely right. When my husband comes home, I listen to his complaints and I try to laugh and joke with him to take away his worries…
3. The Lover
The women who adores her husband
& craves for his children
to the extent that whenever her
husband glances at her,
Du’aa pours for her from the bottom of his heart.
No Comment is needed. If a woman does adore her husband, then she must think about why she is married to him.
4. The Do-Gooder
The women who has an excellent reputation in society
- for being kind, caring & courteous to all.
She is good with her neighbors &
relatives & never backbites or displays jealousy.
Absolutely… It is important to be kind to your neighbors and avoid backbitting… if you can not say what you want to the persons face, then you should not say it at all. I find the ladies and men that are backbitting are the ones that are full of jealousy or envy. My mother used to say to us “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” this is the rule everyone should follow.
5. The Content
The women who never casts her eyes at material things
and is content with whatever little her husband gives her.
She is thankful to him for every morsel
that he feeds her, every clothe that he gives her ,
including the roof over her head.
She makes her gratefulness known to him in words & action
and thus, soothes her husband’s heart.
Our husband’s work hard for the things they do give us. We should thank them for what they have given to us from their heart. We should not tell them we dont like this or that… we should say thank you honey… If there is something else we want that our husband can not afford to give to us, we can save up the money bit by bit and buy it ourselves. I try not to demand of my husband to buy things for me. I try to buy the things I want myself. I dont want to burden him with things i know he can not afford. So if i see something i want, i try to save up for that thing, until i can buy it myself.
6. The Pious
The women who spends much of her day in Dhikr,
tilaawat-e Qur’an & Salaah and her nights in praying Tahajjud
& crying to ALLAH (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) for forgiveness.
She encourages her husband to give Daw’ah in his spare time.
No Comment needed here either… This is something that we should be doing as Muslims.
7. The Sweet Smiler
The woman who smiles excessively…
esp. when her husband is at home.
She always talks gently that it seems that pearls
are dripping from her mouth.
She never raises her voice while talking to her husband.
If her husband is angry with her for some reason
& shouts at her, she does not answer him back
but maintains a dignified silence.
When he has calmed down, she offers him cool water
& apologizes to him even if she wasn’t at fault…
This is the hardest to do of all the categories! Sometimes we know he is wrong and no way we want to say sorry. I have found its just easier to say sorry and then talk about it later when he brings it up… ( yes ladies, he will probably bring it up later) Then when we have a chance to talk and he understands sometimes, i will even get an apology… (notice the word SOMETIMES!)
In an argument its hard to keep quiet and calm. But if both parties are fighting, no solution can be reached. It is better to keep quiet and wait for him to cool down and relax. Because if he is angry there is no way to come to a solution. Once he has calmed down (or the white tornado has gone…LOL) then you can talk about it in a calm manner so a solution can be made. When I talk about it and I see my husband getting upset again. I stop and say something like” why are you getting upset honey…. we are only talking to find a solution” when I use sweet words like honey, sweetie or something of that nature… It relaxes him, and we can continue the conversation.
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] …
{Ar-Rum,30:21}
Narrated Abu Huraira: “The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.’”
When Times Get Hard
Posted by: hoffie1 on: September 15, 2010
- In: polygyny
- 2 Comments
By: Sawsan Al-Hadhrami
Written on request for my mother
Some days are harder than others
And I know I can turn to you
And when you need my help and support
You know you can lean on me too
The beauty of our relationship
And of the commitment we share
Is the love we display for each other
No matter whenever or where
Our hearts are joined in one part
Two halves forming one beautiful whole
Two hearts that share such a strong bond
Even closer to me than my soul
So even when times are difficult
Our love can make it better
And in the end we’ll come out from it all
With our love stronger than ever
Why is there so much anger??
Posted by: hoffie1 on: September 12, 2010
I read so many posts and blogs on polygyny everyday about co-wives complaining about each other… I sit and wonder why the co-wives cannot get along.
My husband has two wives…I am the 2nd wife…. There are 13 children together. We do not live in the same house. I live about a mile down the road from her…. We eat meals together… Especially during Ramadan. If there is one night we do not come… She calls me and tells me its “ma halu” (not nice) when u and your children are not there. ( she is Omani and I am American)
Usually when it’s not Ramadan, we have lunch together on Thursday and Friday… Sometimes we even go to her mother’s house on one of those days and to my husband’s mother on the other day…. We are together and we sit together with our husband without hardly any jealousy among each other…. Yes, there are times we get jealous of each other… But it’s not the time when we are sitting together with our husband…. We enjoy these times.
During Ramadan, I had to take my daughter to the ER at the hospital and my co-wife went with me… And when they needed to take blood I had to go out,(unless they wanted to scrape me off the floor!) but my co-wife sat with my daughter…. When the doctor asked her whose daughter she was, my co-wife said she is the daughter of both of us…. The doctor asked if we were co-wives and she said yes… And the doctor said and why are you sitting together, shouldn’t you hate each other and be fighting or something? …. She said, we don’t fight because we have the same husband, we are all a part of one big family and we love and respect each other, the doctor did not know what to say!
We do love each other and respect each other very much…. With my husband I do face difficulties sometimes…. And my co-wife will help when I have problems with him… Talking to him….. And sometimes I talk to him about her. When she needs to go some place, I will usually tell him he needs to take her, she doesn’t drive and needs someone to take her to the places that she needs to go. Co-wives should support each other, not work against each other.
I feel the sisters that are always fighting with their co-wives or fighting with their husband about their co-wives are really missing out on a special relationship they could have with their co-wife as well as family fun they could have together. We go on picnics and outing together all the time… We went to a farm for a picnic before Ramadan with the entire family and had a wonderful time…. you should not miss out on the relationship you can have with you co-wife. It can be very special and wonderful…. DON’T BLAME YOUR CO-WIFE FOR THE ACTIONS OF YOUR HUSBAND! Also keeping this in mind, when you don’t want to go somewhere if you co-wife is going, you are also missing out of family gatherings and trips, especially if you live in the middle east as I do and there are a lot of family gatherings. Our family does something together almost every weekend. Sometimes we go without our husband if he is working our busy, and we do have a great time.
I do not understand these women that, want to always fight with their co-wives on this and that, they want to argue about time sharing etc… time sharing is not the co-wife’s problem or responsibility, it is the husbands- blame your husband not your co-wife. We also have time sharing problems, but I never put her in the middle of this, because it is not her business or her responsibility, this is the job of my husband.
I feel that many of the problems arise when the husband tries to make two or three different marriages as one. (Ladies you need to remember, sometimes men are absolutely brainless, and it is up to us to fix their brains!) These are separate marriages and should be treated as such. My husband is not allowed to talk about any problems he has with his first wife. He has a mother, father, sisters and brothers to talk to if he needs help with his relationship with her. Their relationship and marriage is none of my business as my relationship with him is none of her business.
The other wives need to stay out of the other marriages that their husband has, unless the WIFE specifically asks her for advice. When my husband asks me, I will tell him to go and get advice from one of his sisters. He doesn’t ask me anymore. It is important to keep the marriages separate and to stay out of your co-wife’s marriage.
The relationship I have with my co-wife did take time to build. I would say about a year. I started with taking her kids out with mine, I would get her small gifts from time to time… little by little our relationship built up to where it is today.
What Allah has said
Posted by: hoffie1 on: September 11, 2010
- In: family | islam | marriage | polygyny
- 3 Comments
Allah, the Most Beneficent, said:
(You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire (I.e. Emotions of the heart), so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (I.e. Neither divorced nor married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful) [4:129]
When we look at this English translation from the Holy Quran, what can we gather from this?
It means, no matter how hard a man tries to be fair to his wives he cannot. But he should not make it obvious so that one woman feels left out… like she is neither divorced or married.
We as wives must encourage and tell our husbands that they must be fair to all wives. We must encourage him. Woe to the wife that is selfish and prevents her husband from being with his other wives. Those wives will also face the punishment on the day of judgment.
Many women say “I want for my sister what I want for myself” but the problem is that they do not mean it. They prevent their husband from spending time or sleeping at the house of their co-wife. This is really a bad way to act to your co-wife. Sometimes, the husband just doesn’t know what to do when this situation arises. I believe a man proves himself a man by his actions. If he sees one of his wives acting like this towards another co-wife, he should just stand up and be a man and say “she is my wife as you are, and she deserves the same treatment as you do” Then he should implement this speech with his actions.
It is human nature for any wife to be jealous. However, the jealousy should not turn into envy and spite. If you love your co-wife or you hate your co-wife, these are the words of Allah (SWT) and are not to be disputed. If you as a co-wife discourage or do not allow your husband to be with your co-wife as he is with you, YOU are sinning.
You must really want for your sister (co-wife) what you want for yourself. Don’t utter these words unless you mean it.
If I found my husband unfair to my co-wife I would put him on the straightway.
If a wife really does love and respect her husband, she is not thinking about her selfish needs and desires. She is thinking of what will happen to her husband on the last day… the day of judgment, for those men that have not been fair to their wives will stand in front of Allah with half of their body leaning. No one can help these men on this day. For those women who have encouraged their husband not to be fair to their other wife/wives, they will also face a grave punishment on that day. How will these women stand in front of Allah when he asks them, why did you not allow your husband to be with his other wife or wives? What will their answer be? I, for one, do not want to be asked that question by Allah (SWT). Shouldn’t a woman fear for her husband as well for herself when she meets Allah on that day?
As for the husband, he needs not to listen to any of his wives, only to the words of Allah (SWT) and the prophet Mohammed (SAW). According to the hadiths of the Prophet and the advice of well known Islamic Sheikhs, it is recommended that the husband spend a day and a night with each wife. The Prophet Mohammed warned of favoritism with wives.
**It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and leans towards (i.e. favours) one of them (over the other), will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2/242; al-Tirmidhi, 3/447; al-Nasaa’i, 7/64; Ibn Maajah, 1/633; classed as saheeh by al-Haafiz in Buloogh al-Maraam, 3/310, and al-Albaani in Irwaa’ al-Ghaleel, 7/80).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He has to treat his wives fairly according to the consensus of the Muslims. In the four Sunans it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives…” He has to be fair in his division of time between them. So if he stays with one of them for one night, or two or three, he should stay with the other for the same number of nights, and he should not give preference to one of them in his sharing of his time. (Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/269)
Al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the opinion of the majority of Muslim scholars indicate that a man has to divide his days and nights between his wives [giving each a full day and night], and that he has to be fair in doing so. (al-Umm, 5/158). And he said: I do not know of any (scholarly) disagreement with the view that a man must share his time among his wives and do so fairly. (al-Umm, 5/280). (**Taken from islam question and answer)
As we can see from the above evidence, that the Islamic sheiks have recommended a day and night for each wife, and it is haraam for the husband not to give these rights to his wife. If a wife feels as if she is not being treated fairly, then she needs to advice her husband on the wrath of Allah and His word against injustice.
It is important for the co-wives to encourage the husband to give the other wife her rights, instead of encouraging him not to do so. The reward for the co-wife will be great. Co-wives should cooperate with each other instead of working against each other.
I feel lucky….
Posted by: hoffie1 on: January 17, 2010
- In: family | islam | marriage | polygyny
- 2 Comments
Sometimes I look around and I concentrate on everything I am unhappy with in my life and marriage… but that shouldnt be the way….
When I look at others I see how lucky I really am….. my husband is always there for me when I need him….
I have 9 wonderful step kids whom I really enjoy going places and doing things with…. and I have 4 wonderful children of my own….
I also have a wonderful sister wife (co-wife) that i really respect and adore…. she is really a sweetie…. i could not ask for anyone better than her.
There are many good things about my marriage… and many good things about my husband….
I really do have to say he is trying his best, and really trying to arrange himself… tonight he spent time with my 17 year old son watching a movie and talking with him about what is good and what is not…. heck what step father really takes the time with his step kids like mine does… not many!
I was without a car for over one month… my sweet husband was taking me to all the places I needed to go, including my private student’s house… he sat under a tree in the car for an hour waiting for me…. or sometimes he would go up into the dunes and eat while he was waiting…. he was doing this everyday for almost two months….Then he would take me to the center where i would take the rest of my private students and come back and pick me up at 8…. alot of husbands would just say cancel your students.
I just guess sometimes I get in a ungrateful mood…. and i do have so much to be grateful for…. especially my husband…. he is really the greatest! 
Sometimes I just want to scream!!
Posted by: hoffie1 on: January 13, 2010
- In: islam | marriage | polygyny
- 2 Comments
Sometimes I want to scream! Sometimes I feel that he just cant understand what i am saying or what I am feeling!
What is wrong with men…?? Why can’t they listen to their wives…. any of their wives…
I don’ t think my husband really listens to either one of us… it drives me nuts! Sometimes when i have a problem with my husband I will talk to my co-wife…. and she says… well he doesnt listen to me…!!
He should listen more…and not just to what our mouths are saying but what our hearts are saying too…
Today, I was upset in the car, and the dork didn’t even realize i was upset and hurt by something he had done… he went on like nothing even happened….until I completely exploded at him….
I told him, how could it be that we are married for almost 5 years and you can’t tell when i was upset… or sad?? I just can’t understand how he can not realize this…. men are really airheaded!!
I still have alot of anger and resentment in my heart…. I want to get rid of this…. Its not towards my co-wife because i really love her… its towards my husband because he doesnt know how to arrange himself! He should know if he has two wives he needs to arrange himself and his time with us…
Islamically, it should be a day and a night for each wife… yet he is not doing it this way….
I told him its haraam… he said no its not…. I asked him where did you learn ur islam from…. this made him mad…. but its true…. he should do it right and he should do it according to islam… not what is easier for him….
I hope one day soon, he will realize what he is doing wrong and start to do it right….
Don’t get me wrong… he is a good man… a very good man… but he is airheaded at times… as well as a dork… I think men should be able to feel their wives emotions…. Maybe as time goes by things will get better… i surely hope so….
but all and all…. I love him so much…
Can co-wives be friends?
Posted by: hoffie1 on: January 9, 2010
- In: family | islam | marriage | polygyny
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I think it is hard for any woman who is in a polygynist marriage to see her husband with the other wife or wives… but putting the husband aside, is it possible to be friends with you co wife?
For me, I have not had any difficulty in accepting my co-wife as my sister… she says the same thing about me… and i do love her as a sister. We do have our differences… and sometimes i feel as if my husband is actually trying to keep us from getting to close to each other….
I have found my co-wife to be a wonderful woman with a good heart. She has been very good with me since she found out about our husbands marriage to me…. I do wish she was a bit braver to stand up more for us… but maybe in time that will come.
I do know of other co-wives that are great friends… and do everything together… my relationship with my co-wife has not reached to that level yet… we call each other from time to time… and check up on each other and check on how each others children are doing…. I think it is possible for me to have a closer relationship with my co-wife but i think it will take time….
When my husband has organized our lives so we dont feel jealousy towards each other, at that time, i feel my relationship with my co-wife will become stonger….
I do thank Allah that i do have a co-wife that is sweet and kind and has been there for me during the times that i needed her.
It is Saturday Morning
Posted by: hoffie1 on: April 17, 2009
Its Saturday Morning and I woke up with the cats sprawled across my bed… I realized then that my husband was not here… He was with the other wife. I woke up with feelings of loneliness within my heart. I got up and prayed Fajr and started to wake up my children.
I went and woke up the girls to pray and then to the boys. The boys I have to practically pull out of bed by their toes… but eventually they did wake up…. “Get up, and go to wudu” I shouted at my 16 year old… “Aww mom, can’t I pray later?” was his response. He knows the answer to that before he even asks.
I went down stairs to fix myself some coffee and sat reading the Hadiths for the next forty-five minutes. After which I went to my daughters room to retrieve my Quran that she had been reading the night before, and sat for another hour reading the Quran(in English) then another 30 minutes listening to the tape I have of Sheik Abdul Basit.
Then it hit me, the nights that my husband Nabil is with me, I can not have these moments to myself… to mediate and to read. I do this on the days he is not here. As soon as he is up…. its honey i want my tea, Where is this… where is that??
Al-Humdilah for that first wife, because I have my time alone where i can pray as much as i feel i need to… where i can meditate as much as I need to. And I don’t need to do anything for him on those days. I am FREE! I can go out with my friends to a movie or I can go to a halaqa if i wish… its my reflection time.
I don’t doubt for even one second that he loves me- Because he does and he calles me 20 times a day when he is not with me and the text messages are massive. So much so that sometime they drive me batty. He is a wonderful man.
Sometimes, when people find out that my husband has two wives… they ask me how could I get myself into that situation….. and I am thinking “what situation are they talking about?” I am happy with my husband- He does everything for me. I love and adore my husband and he loves and adores me as well…. and alhumdulilah I have a husband. Many women do not.
I have friends that only wish to have a husband. As one of them told me that all the good ones are taken… that may be true. However, if they are Muslims they are still available for marriage if they want that situation. I see many single women roaming around looking for men and looking for the Haraam… so what is better? To go for the Haraam or for a man that has a wife to marry you? I would say the latter. Its a sad situation of the immoral era we are in today, as predicted in the Quran. Polygyny is a way to ease the immorality of today.
I do indeed miss him when i wake up in the morning… However, I also realize it is that which keeps our marriage strong. I do not think i could deal with Nabil as an only wife. He is very picky and very needy. I would never have the time i need to myself if that was the case. All I can say is Al-Humdulilah for the other wife!
Fairness to wives!
Posted by: hoffie1 on: September 12, 2008
- In: family | islam | polygyny | religion
- 3 Comments
The fairness issue among wives is a important topic for any woman that is in a polygynist marriage. I have talked to many woman about this issue and have found that more than 60% feel their husbands are not fair. Some of these wives are first wives and some are second wives.
According to Islam the husband must treat co-wives fairly with regard to staying overnight with them, spending and providing accommodation. This fairness is a condition of plural marriage being permissible.
There are many woman that are in a “secret” situation, which is unfair to the woman that is being kept in secret if she doesn’t have her rights. (Sometimes this may be this best solution for some families) Sometimes the man will not spend his nights at home, he will be with his other wife and family, sometimes he will make himself unavailable in the case of emergency. My question to these men that call themselves husbands is what is marriage to you?
When I look at marriage it should be a lifetime agreement where the couple share with each other and are there for each other for everything. In alot of cases I feel that the men are playing with the women. Preying on the emotional side of the woman.
If a man is serious about marriage, even if the marriage is secret, he should be able to arrange himself and his life. He need to spend time with all the families and all the wives. He should realize his duties to his wives and families and not prey on the emotions of his wives and take advantage of the love they may have for him. Marriage is a partnership and should be treated as such. A man has no right to be with one family and completely ignore another. He must consider that the other family needs his love and attention as much as the first. He should also consider the feeling of the other wife if she is left alone all the time… what will she do when she faces this treatment day after day …. week after week and year after year…. what is he doing to her?? Is he forcing her into the haram? Is he forcing her to look for another husband? All women need love and respect from their husbands and if they are not getting it a home with him, they may just go look for it someplace else.
It is important for a bond to be there between the husband, wife and children. Without that special bond the woman will feel left out. The husband needs to realize his responsibility to all of his families not just one in particular. When a man takes a woman as a second wife he needs to bare in mind all the responsibilities that come with this marriage. They are not just partners in bed, but partners in life.
The woman wants someone (her husband) there to do things with her. Eat lunch/dinner with her, go shopping with her and entertain her. Not just to be at home sometimes when she has driven him crazy after he has been at his other house/houses for days with out seeing his additional wife/wives.
Polygyny, I feel is a gift from Allah but it has to be treated with respect. If a man is not being respectful to union of marriage through polygyny, it won’t work. Because he is not being fair. I realize there are certain circumstances where the marriage need to remain secret… but should that be forever… what kind of marriage can go on for years or even decades in secret… sooner or later it must come out…. the woman inparticular will get tired of it… she will get tired of being left out… tired of being alone…. tired of the entire situation…..!! Maybe for a few months or year it is able to go on until the husband can bring himself( or get courage) to tell his other wife.
All woman need the support of a family unit, I do not think a marriage hidden in secret can really have the security of a family unit. I feel that this is an important aspect of islam. If it is a temporary situation, it may be different. I do not feel it should be a permanant situation. Sure we understand, that a man does not want to hurt his first, second or third wife by breaking this kind of news to her. He has to do it respectfully, gently and reassure his wife that he still loves her and marrying someone else does not change that fact. He needs to make all of the wives that he has feel a part of a family, not to feel alone and isolated.
Men should fear Allah and do what is right for all of his wives and treat them fairly and equally.
How to make polygyny work
Posted by: hoffie1 on: August 22, 2008
- In: family | islam | polygyny | religion
- 2 Comments
Any marriage is hard work… but being married into a polygynist situation is more work.
It takes patience love and understanding. Sometimes we as women are tired of being the understanding one. We feel our husband just doesn’t understand us or maybe even respect us. Sometimes we may feel completely unappreciated and taken for granted….Chances are we are wrong.
If we make a distance between us and our husband… he will make it a bigger distance.
I think we need to look at it from a different view. We need to look at from our husbands perspective… sometimes that is REALLY hard to do when we are totally pissed off at our husband!! I know for myself… sometimes i just want to go far far away… sometimes I even tell that to my husband! 
To be in a marriage as this we have to look through it with understanding….
Ask yourself… what is my husband going through right now??
- does he have problems at work
- Is he having problems at his other home… maybe with his other spouse or children…. or other members of his family
- maybe he is facing financial problems
- maybe he is having problems in other areas
I feel it is our jobs as wives to be there for our husbands no matter what the circumstance is… no matter how big the problem is, there are always solutions especially when we relay on Allah to show us the way.
Our husbands need us…. and we need to be understanding of his problems… in many cases we may not know what is happening in his other household… however, we should be there to lend our support and understanding to him…even if we do not know or understand the problems at hand.
When a man sees a woman that supports him… he will appreciate her and love her more. However, if we are always complaining and grumping about the things he doesn’t do… it will drive him crazy to the point of annoyance.
I am one to push my husband when i think there is something he needs to do… especially Islamically… however, I try to understand his problems and situation… and try to support him as best i can under the circumstances. We are our husbands rocks… we need to be with them and stand up with them in any circumstances…. after all, isn’t that what marriage and love is all about…. It shouldn’t matter if he has another wife… it should matter the feeling within our hearts for our husbands….
We need to find the opportunites to be united with our husbands to be close to him… and above all to understand him and what he is going through…. if he sees your loving ways… his love for you will grow and expand.
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