Polygyny and Me

When we look at our lives and our husband one thing that most wives do, is expect the husband to make her happy… WRONG WRONG WRONG…. doesn’t work that way.

Only YOU have the power to make yourself happy. If you relay on another person to give you happiness then you will never be happy. You will be playing the blame game for most of your life.

When you unlock the power within yourself to make yourself happy, you will find you will have a better relationship with your husband, and maybe if you are lucky, your co-wife.

DO NOT blame your husband or co-wife for your unhappiness. YOU are the one making yourself unhappy. We all have the power within ourselves to make ourself happy even if we are in a bad marriage, have a bad relationship with our co-wife. Why are we letting them have the power over us and making ourself miserable?

Something to think about.

When I look around at my almost 9 year marriage… it is not perfect. But I am happy with what Allah has given me… there are negatives… but I chose not to focus on that… what do I have?

  • I have a wonderful supported husband, that has supported me in every way possible when I wanted to finish my doctorate degree and open a disabled school here in Oman.
  • I have 9 wonderful step-kids that love me, and are there for me when I need them to help out
  • I have a wonderful co-wife that always steps in when I need her
  • I have wonderful in-laws that support me and my marriage.
  • I have my wonderful kids that now have other brother and sisters to bond with.
  • I have a network of support for whenever I may need it.

The problem I see is that too many women dwell on the negative. They want their husband with them 24/7. Sorry ladies that is just not possible. My co-wife told me she sees him more now than when she was a single wife… Why is that? Because I explained to him that his family is more important than his friends that he used to hang out with 7 days a week.  NOW he goes to hang out with his friends only once or twice a week. Once it was explained to him, he understood and embraced it. I did not have to yell or shout. I just had to explain.

However, no matter how you slice it, you will never have your husband with you all the time. They have responsibilities. Here in the Middle East they also have responsibilities to their mother and younger sisters. My husband is the oldest, and he does have all these responsibilities. Even to his married sisters.

The best thing is to remember the positive and not dwell on the negative. IF you do dwell on the negative you will find yourself miserable.  Think of the positive and the things you are grateful for in your life. Find the power within yourself, to make yourself happy and content.

 

 

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Someone sent this to me by email and I thought I would share it… as well as my comments…

1. The Patient
The woman who remains patient in all circumstances,
and never whines, moans and complains.
When some trouble or affliction hits her,
she turns to ALLAH (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) for help.

As difficult as this may seem… I agree with this point. Men really hate when their wife moan and complains… it is our nature. I try not to complain too much. When I don’t complain he wants to be with me more… So I just try to keep my complaints to myself,  or share them with my friends… unless he asks me about some certain circumstance.

2. The Protector
The woman who protects her husband’s wealth
& her chastity when he is away from home.
When he returns , she does not
burden him with the day’s problems ,
but listens attentively to his needs
and does her best to take his tiredness away.

Yes! This is completely right. When my husband comes home,  I listen to his complaints and I try to laugh and joke with him to take away his worries…

3. The Lover
The women who adores her husband
& craves for his children
to the extent that whenever her
husband glances at her,
Du’aa pours for her from the bottom of his heart.

No Comment is needed. If a woman does adore her husband, then she must think about why she is married to him.

4. The Do-Gooder
The women who has an excellent reputation in society
– for being kind, caring & courteous to all.
She is good with her neighbors &
relatives & never backbites or displays jealousy.

Absolutely… It is important to be kind to your neighbors and avoid backbitting… if you can not say what you want to the persons face, then you should not say it at all. I find the ladies and men that are backbitting are the ones that are full of jealousy or envy. My mother used to say to us “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” this is the rule everyone should follow.

5. The Content
The women who never casts her eyes at material things
and is content with whatever little her husband gives her.
She is thankful to him for every morsel
that he feeds her, every clothe that he gives her ,
including the roof over her head.
She makes her gratefulness known to him in words & action
and thus, soothes her husband’s heart.

Our husband’s work hard for the things they do give us. We should thank them for what they have given to us from their heart. We should not tell them we dont like this or that… we should say thank you honey… If there is something else we want that our husband can not afford to give to us, we can save up the money bit by bit and buy it ourselves. I try not to demand of my husband to buy things for me. I try to buy the things I want myself.  I dont want to burden him with things i know he can not afford. So if i see something i want, i try to save up for that thing, until i can buy it myself.

6. The Pious
The women who spends much of her day in Dhikr,
tilaawat-e Qur’an & Salaah and her nights in praying Tahajjud
& crying to ALLAH (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) for forgiveness.
She encourages her husband to give Daw’ah in his spare time.

No Comment needed here either… This is something that we should be doing as Muslims.

7. The Sweet Smiler
The woman who smiles excessively…
esp. when her husband is at home.
She always talks gently that it seems that pearls
are dripping from her mouth.
She never raises her voice while talking to her husband.
If her husband is angry with her for some reason
& shouts at her, she does not answer him back
but maintains a dignified silence.
When he has calmed down, she offers him cool water
& apologizes to him even if she wasn’t at fault…

This is the hardest to do of all the categories! Sometimes we know he is wrong and no way we want to say sorry. I have found its just easier to say sorry and then talk about it later when he brings it up… ( yes ladies, he will probably bring it up later) Then when we have a chance to talk and he understands sometimes, i will even get an apology… (notice the word SOMETIMES!)

In an argument its hard to keep quiet and calm. But if both parties are fighting, no solution can be reached. It is better to keep quiet and wait for him to cool down and relax. Because if he is angry there is no way to come to a solution. Once he has calmed down (or the white tornado has gone…LOL) then you can talk about it in a calm manner so a solution can be made.  When I talk about it and I see my husband getting upset again. I stop and say something like” why are you getting upset honey…. we are only talking to find a solution” when I use sweet words like honey, sweetie or something of that nature… It relaxes him, and we can continue the conversation.

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] …
{Ar-Rum,30:21}

Narrated Abu Huraira: “The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'”

By: Sawsan Al-Hadhrami
Written on request for my mother

Some days are harder than others

And I know I can turn to you

And when you need my help and support

You know you can lean on me too

The beauty of our relationship

And of the commitment we share

Is the love we display for each other

No matter whenever or where

Our hearts are joined in one part

Two halves forming one beautiful whole

Two hearts that share such a strong bond

Even closer to me than my soul

So even when times are difficult

Our love can make it better

And in the end we’ll come out from it all

With our love stronger than ever

I read so many posts and blogs on polygyny  everyday about co-wives complaining about each other… I sit and wonder why the co-wives cannot get along.

My husband has two wives…I am the 2nd wife…. There are 13 children together. We do not live in the same house. I live about a mile down the road from her…. We eat meals together… Especially during Ramadan. If there is one night we do not come… She calls me and tells me its “ma halu” (not nice) when u and your children are not there. ( she is Omani and I am American)

Usually when it’s not Ramadan, we have lunch together on Thursday and Friday… Sometimes we even go to her mother’s house on one of those days and to my husband’s mother on the other day…. We are together and we sit together with our husband without hardly any jealousy among each other…. Yes, there are times we get jealous of each other… But it’s not the time when we are sitting together with our husband…. We enjoy these times.

During Ramadan, I had to take my daughter to the ER at the hospital and my co-wife went with me… And when they needed to take blood I had to go out,(unless they wanted to scrape me off the floor!) but my co-wife sat with my daughter…. When the doctor asked her whose daughter she was, my co-wife said she is the daughter of both of us…. The doctor asked if we were co-wives and she said yes… And the doctor said and why are you sitting together, shouldn’t you hate each other and be fighting or something? …. She said, we don’t fight because we have the same husband,  we are all a part of one big family and we love and respect each other, the doctor did not know what to say!

We do love each other and respect each other very much…. With my husband I do face difficulties sometimes…. And my co-wife will help when I have problems with him… Talking to him….. And sometimes I talk to him about her. When she needs to go some place, I will usually tell him he needs to take her,  she doesn’t drive and needs someone to take her to the places that she needs to go. Co-wives should support each other, not work against each other.

I feel the sisters that are always fighting with their co-wives or fighting with their husband about their co-wives are really missing out on a special relationship they could have with their co-wife as well as family fun they could have together. We go on picnics and outing together all the time… We went to a farm for a picnic before Ramadan with the entire family and had a wonderful time…. you should not miss out on the relationship you can have with you co-wife. It can be very special and wonderful…. DON’T BLAME YOUR CO-WIFE FOR THE ACTIONS OF YOUR HUSBAND!  Also keeping this in mind, when you don’t want to go somewhere if you co-wife is going, you are also missing out of family gatherings and trips, especially if you live in the middle east as I do and there are a lot of family gatherings. Our family does something together almost every weekend. Sometimes we go without our husband if he is working our busy, and we do have a great time.

I do not understand these women that, want to always fight with their co-wives on this and that, they want to argue about time sharing etc… time sharing is not the co-wife’s problem or responsibility, it is the husbands- blame your husband not your co-wife.  We also have time sharing problems, but I never put her in the middle of this, because it is not her business or her responsibility, this is the job of my husband.

I feel that many of the problems arise when the husband tries to make two or three different marriages as one. (Ladies you need to remember, sometimes men are absolutely brainless, and it is up to us to fix their brains!) These are separate marriages and should be treated as such. My husband is not allowed to talk about any problems he has with his first wife. He has a mother, father, sisters and brothers to talk to if he needs help with his relationship with her. Their relationship and marriage is none of my business as my relationship with him is none of her business.

The other wives need to stay out of the other marriages that their husband has, unless the WIFE specifically asks her for advice. When my husband asks me, I will tell him to go and get advice from one of his sisters. He doesn’t ask me anymore. It is important to keep the marriages separate and to stay out of your co-wife’s marriage.

The relationship I have with my co-wife did take time to build. I would say about a year. I started with taking her kids out with mine, I would get her small gifts from time to time… little by little our relationship built up to where it is today.

Allah, the Most Beneficent, said:

(You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire (I.e. Emotions of the heart), so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (I.e. Neither divorced nor married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful) [4:129]

When we look at this English translation from the Holy Quran, what can we gather from this?

It means, no matter how hard a man tries to be fair to his wives he cannot. But he should not make it obvious so that one woman feels left out… like she is neither divorced or married.

We as wives must encourage and tell our husbands that they must be fair to all wives. We must encourage him. Woe to the wife that is selfish and prevents her husband from being with his other wives. Those wives will also face the punishment on the day of judgment.

Many women say “I want for my sister what I want for myself” but the problem is that they do not mean it. They prevent their husband from spending time or sleeping at the house of their co-wife. This is really a bad way to act to your co-wife. Sometimes, the husband just doesn’t know what to do when this situation arises. I believe a man proves himself a man by his actions. If he sees one of his wives acting like this towards another co-wife, he should just stand up and be a man and say “she is my wife as you are, and she deserves the same treatment as you do” Then he should implement this speech with his actions.

It is human nature for any wife to be jealous. However, the jealousy should not turn into envy and spite. If you love your co-wife or you hate your co-wife, these are the words of Allah (SWT) and are not to be disputed. If you as a co-wife discourage or do not allow your husband to be with your co-wife as he is with you, YOU are sinning.

You must really want for your sister (co-wife) what you want for yourself.  Don’t utter these words unless you mean it.

If I found my husband unfair to my co-wife I would  put him on the straightway.

If a wife really does love and respect her husband, she is not thinking about her selfish needs and desires. She is thinking of what will happen to her husband on the last day… the day of judgment, for those men that have not been fair to their wives will stand in front of Allah with half of their body leaning. No one can help these men on this day. For those women who have encouraged their husband not to be fair to their other wife/wives, they will also face a grave punishment on that day. How will these women stand in front of Allah when he asks them, why did you not allow your husband to be with his other wife or wives? What will their answer be? I, for one, do not want to be asked that question by Allah (SWT). Shouldn’t a woman fear for her husband as well for herself when she meets Allah on that day?

As for the husband, he needs not to listen to any of his wives, only to the words of Allah (SWT) and the prophet Mohammed (SAW). According to the hadiths of the Prophet and the advice  of well known Islamic Sheikhs, it is recommended that the husband spend a day and a night with each wife. The Prophet Mohammed warned of favoritism with wives.

**It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and leans towards (i.e. favours) one of them (over the other), will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2/242; al-Tirmidhi, 3/447; al-Nasaa’i, 7/64; Ibn Maajah, 1/633; classed as saheeh by al-Haafiz in Buloogh al-Maraam, 3/310, and al-Albaani in Irwaa’ al-Ghaleel, 7/80).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He has to treat his wives fairly according to the consensus of the Muslims. In the four Sunans it was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives…” He has to be fair in his division of time between them. So if he stays with one of them for one night, or two or three, he should stay with the other for the same number of nights, and he should not give preference to one of them in his sharing of his time. (Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/269)

Al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the opinion of the majority of Muslim scholars indicate that a man has to divide his days and nights between his wives [giving each a full day and night], and that he has to be fair in doing so. (al-Umm, 5/158). And he said: I do not know of any (scholarly) disagreement with the view that a man must share his time among his wives and do so fairly. (al-Umm, 5/280).  (**Taken from islam question and answer)

As we can see from the above evidence, that the Islamic sheiks have recommended a day and night for each wife, and it is haraam for the husband not to give these rights to his wife. If a wife feels as if she is not being treated fairly, then she needs to advice her husband on the wrath of Allah and His word against injustice.

It is important for the co-wives to encourage the husband to give the other wife her rights, instead of encouraging him not to do so. The reward for the co-wife will be great. Co-wives should cooperate with each other instead of working against each other.

Sometimes I look around and I concentrate on everything I am unhappy with in my life and marriage… but that shouldnt be the way….

When I look at others I see how lucky I really am….. my husband is always there for me when I need him….

I have 9 wonderful step kids whom I really enjoy going places and doing things with…. and I have 4 wonderful children of my own….

I also have a wonderful sister wife (co-wife) that i really respect and adore…. she is really a sweetie…. i could not ask for anyone better than her.

There are many good things about my marriage… and many good things about my husband….

I really do have to say he is trying his best, and really trying to arrange himself… tonight he spent time with my 17 year old son watching a movie and talking with him about what is good and what is not…. heck what step father really takes the time with his step kids like mine does… not many!

I was without  a car for over one month… my sweet husband was taking me to all the places I needed to go, including my private student’s house… he sat under a tree in the car for an hour waiting for me…. or sometimes he would go up into the dunes and eat while he was waiting…. he was doing this everyday for almost two months….Then he would take me to the center where i would take the rest of my private students and come back and pick me up at 8…. alot of husbands would just say cancel your students.

I just guess sometimes I get in a ungrateful mood…. and i do have so much to be grateful for…. especially my husband…. he is really the greatest! 🙂

Sometimes I want to scream! Sometimes I feel that he just cant understand what i am saying or what I am feeling!
What is wrong with men…?? Why can’t they listen to their wives…. any of their wives…

I don’ t think my husband really listens to either one of us… it drives me nuts! Sometimes when i have a problem with my husband I will talk to my co-wife…. and she says… well he doesnt listen to me…!!

He should listen more…and not just to what our mouths are saying but what our hearts are saying too…

Today, I was upset in the car, and the dork didn’t even realize i was upset and hurt by something he had done… he went on like nothing even happened….until I completely exploded at him….

I told him, how could it be that we are married for almost 5 years and you can’t tell when i was upset… or sad?? I just can’t understand how he can not realize this…. men are really airheaded!!

I still have alot of anger and resentment in my heart…. I want to get rid of this…. Its not towards my co-wife because i really love her… its towards my husband because he doesnt know how to arrange himself! He should know if he has two wives he needs to arrange himself and his time with us…

Islamically, it should be a day and a night for each wife… yet he is not doing it this way….

I told him its haraam… he said no its not…. I asked him where did you learn ur islam from…. this made him mad…. but its true…. he should do it right and he should do it according to islam… not what is easier for him….
I hope one day soon, he will realize what he is doing wrong and start to do it right….

Don’t get me wrong… he is a good man… a very good man… but he is airheaded at times… as well as a dork… I think men should be able to feel their wives emotions…. Maybe as time goes by things will get better… i surely hope so….

but all and all…. I love him so much…