Polygyny and Me

Fairness to wives!

Posted on: September 12, 2008

The fairness issue among wives is a important topic for any woman that is in a polygynist marriage. I have talked to many woman about this issue and have found that more than 60% feel their husbands are not fair. Some of these wives are first wives and some are second wives.

According to Islam the husband must treat co-wives fairly with regard to staying overnight with them, spending and providing accommodation. This fairness is a condition of plural marriage being permissible.

There are many woman that are in a “secret” situation, which is unfair to the woman that is being kept in secret if she doesn’t have her rights. (Sometimes this may be this best solution for some families) Sometimes the man will not spend his nights at home, he will be with his other wife and family, sometimes he will make himself unavailable in the case of emergency. My question to these men that call themselves husbands is what is marriage to you?

When I look at marriage it should be a lifetime agreement where the couple share with each other and are there for each other for everything. In alot of cases I feel that the men are playing with the women. Preying on the emotional side of the woman.

If a man is serious about marriage, even if the marriage is secret, he should be able to arrange himself and his life. He need to spend time with all the families and all the wives. He should realize his duties to his wives and families and not prey on the emotions of his wives and take advantage of the love they may have for him.  Marriage is a partnership and should be treated as such. A man has no right to be with one family and completely ignore another. He must consider that the other family needs his love and attention as much as the first. He should also consider the feeling of the other wife if she is left alone all the time… what will she do when she faces this treatment day after day …. week after week and year after year…. what is he doing to her?? Is he forcing her into the haram? Is he forcing her to look for another husband?  All women need love and respect from their husbands and if they are not getting it a home with him, they may just go look for it someplace else.

It is important for a bond to be there between the husband, wife and children. Without that special bond the woman will feel left out. The husband needs to realize his responsibility to all of his families not just one in particular. When a man takes a woman as a second wife he needs to bare in mind all the responsibilities that come with this marriage. They are not just partners in bed, but partners in life.

The woman wants someone (her husband) there to do things with her. Eat lunch/dinner with her, go shopping with her and entertain her. Not just to be at home sometimes when she has driven him crazy after he has been at his other house/houses for days with out seeing his additional wife/wives.

Polygyny, I feel is a gift from Allah but it has to be treated with respect. If a man is not being respectful to union of marriage through polygyny, it won’t work. Because he is not being fair.  I realize there are certain circumstances where the marriage need to remain secret… but should that be forever… what kind of marriage can go on for years or even decades in secret… sooner or later it must come out…. the woman inparticular will get tired of it… she will get tired of being left out… tired of being alone…. tired of the entire situation…..!! Maybe for a few months or year it is able to go on until the husband can bring himself( or get courage) to tell his other wife.

All woman need the support of a family unit, I do not think a marriage hidden in secret can really have the security of a family unit. I feel that this is an important aspect of islam. If it is a temporary situation, it may be different. I do not feel it should be a permanant situation. Sure we understand, that a man does not want to hurt his first, second or third wife by breaking this kind of news to her. He has to do it respectfully, gently and reassure his wife that he still loves her and marrying someone else does not change that fact. He needs to make all of the wives that he has feel a part of a family, not to feel alone and isolated.

Men should fear Allah and do what is right for all of his wives and treat them fairly and equally.

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3 Responses to "Fairness to wives!"

If one wife is a “secret” wife then she is not being treated equally.

yes! That is very true indeed

Asalama Alaikuum,

Ma sha Allah this is a great blog. I have heard a lot brothers say thay “it is permissibale to keep a second wife secret”…. why? “to avoid fitnah or certain people”. If a brother is a aware that is first wife and family are fitnah makers then why o why get married again to another sister.

Most brothers (usually Da’ees) here in the UK take on more than one wives on deception and lies. These innocent sisters get caught into their husbands mess which these brothers have created.

All I have to say is may these brothers PAY BIG TIME and ALLAH TAKE REVENGE UPON THESE MEN for oppressing and doing injustice to these women. And may this sisters who have suffered have all their rights be paid in full from these EVIL and MEAN HEARTLESS brothers.

May Allah suffice the duas of these oppressed sisters suffering injustice aganist their evil husbands even if he is now her ex.

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