Polygyny and Me

Why is there so much anger??

Posted on: September 12, 2010

I read so many posts and blogs on polygyny  everyday about co-wives complaining about each other… I sit and wonder why the co-wives cannot get along.

My husband has two wives…I am the 2nd wife…. There are 13 children together. We do not live in the same house. I live about a mile down the road from her…. We eat meals together… Especially during Ramadan. If there is one night we do not come… She calls me and tells me its “ma halu” (not nice) when u and your children are not there. ( she is Omani and I am American)

Usually when it’s not Ramadan, we have lunch together on Thursday and Friday… Sometimes we even go to her mother’s house on one of those days and to my husband’s mother on the other day…. We are together and we sit together with our husband without hardly any jealousy among each other…. Yes, there are times we get jealous of each other… But it’s not the time when we are sitting together with our husband…. We enjoy these times.

During Ramadan, I had to take my daughter to the ER at the hospital and my co-wife went with me… And when they needed to take blood I had to go out,(unless they wanted to scrape me off the floor!) but my co-wife sat with my daughter…. When the doctor asked her whose daughter she was, my co-wife said she is the daughter of both of us…. The doctor asked if we were co-wives and she said yes… And the doctor said and why are you sitting together, shouldn’t you hate each other and be fighting or something? …. She said, we don’t fight because we have the same husband,  we are all a part of one big family and we love and respect each other, the doctor did not know what to say!

We do love each other and respect each other very much…. With my husband I do face difficulties sometimes…. And my co-wife will help when I have problems with him… Talking to him….. And sometimes I talk to him about her. When she needs to go some place, I will usually tell him he needs to take her,  she doesn’t drive and needs someone to take her to the places that she needs to go. Co-wives should support each other, not work against each other.

I feel the sisters that are always fighting with their co-wives or fighting with their husband about their co-wives are really missing out on a special relationship they could have with their co-wife as well as family fun they could have together. We go on picnics and outing together all the time… We went to a farm for a picnic before Ramadan with the entire family and had a wonderful time…. you should not miss out on the relationship you can have with you co-wife. It can be very special and wonderful…. DON’T BLAME YOUR CO-WIFE FOR THE ACTIONS OF YOUR HUSBAND!  Also keeping this in mind, when you don’t want to go somewhere if you co-wife is going, you are also missing out of family gatherings and trips, especially if you live in the middle east as I do and there are a lot of family gatherings. Our family does something together almost every weekend. Sometimes we go without our husband if he is working our busy, and we do have a great time.

I do not understand these women that, want to always fight with their co-wives on this and that, they want to argue about time sharing etc… time sharing is not the co-wife’s problem or responsibility, it is the husbands- blame your husband not your co-wife.  We also have time sharing problems, but I never put her in the middle of this, because it is not her business or her responsibility, this is the job of my husband.

I feel that many of the problems arise when the husband tries to make two or three different marriages as one. (Ladies you need to remember, sometimes men are absolutely brainless, and it is up to us to fix their brains!) These are separate marriages and should be treated as such. My husband is not allowed to talk about any problems he has with his first wife. He has a mother, father, sisters and brothers to talk to if he needs help with his relationship with her. Their relationship and marriage is none of my business as my relationship with him is none of her business.

The other wives need to stay out of the other marriages that their husband has, unless the WIFE specifically asks her for advice. When my husband asks me, I will tell him to go and get advice from one of his sisters. He doesn’t ask me anymore. It is important to keep the marriages separate and to stay out of your co-wife’s marriage.

The relationship I have with my co-wife did take time to build. I would say about a year. I started with taking her kids out with mine, I would get her small gifts from time to time… little by little our relationship built up to where it is today.

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11 Responses to "Why is there so much anger??"

As Salaamu Alaikum Sister:

Alhamdulillah, that is a beautiful post. Jazaka Allahu Khayr for the reminder.

Both of you have wonderful hearts unlike me and her. We cant accept that we gotta share husband to someone else.

One thing i always tell Ladies that complain about their husbands and co-wives is, look at the things that your husband IS doing for you. Think of the ways he is trying to make you happy. Stop concentration on the things that he doesnt do for you, and show appreciation for the things he DOES to make you happy. This will make you feel satisfied and happy.

Thank you for writing such an important post. Co-wives are in their marriages for the rest of their lives. When you have the choice between having a supportive, loving relationship with your co-wife as friend, sister and support, or one of continual conflict, I do not know why any person of the slightest wisdom would chose the latter.

assalamu alaykum sis! hope to see u keep blogging ive just found you 🙂

Very interesting blog, sister. I’m glad I came across it! I can’t wait to read more!

Salam Alaikum’

I just read and Mahallah that is beautiful and it is what polygamy should be but like you said all depend on the man and which kind of brother he is. Don’t be too harsh on the other sisters because you don’t know their situations. I was ready to try although i was very jealous but they both were expected a lot from me and also somethig happened and i suppose i saw that i couldn’t really trust her as she wasn’t really honest with me. My husband as well said things that he shouldn’t have about her and since then our relationship is in a mess and the divorce is the only way out. I believe that it is a huge responsability and men need to know how to deal with 2 women and have lines of conduct. I also believe that if a man takes a second wife for a wrong reason Allah will make it difficult for him. Men should stop to think it is only a question of rights but also to look at their own situation and be reasonable especially if the man doesn’t work.

I am happy to come across this wonderful site, there is so much anger because the first wives while confessing to be believing sisters forget that our paths are directed by Allah and Allah is al knowing,
The first wives feels it their God given right to be the first while the second feels it not their fault the man came knocking on their door!
Acceptance and patience are vitues that a lot of first wives sadly lack but more importantly , a lot of first wives don’t know when some fights are already lost even before they start , the man’s love is already divided .

Just commented on another of your posts, and realized you haven’t written in several years – hope to see you continue blogging, especially after this post. Masha’Allah, I was beginning to lose hope of coming across a blog that spoke well of polygamy. With the exception of one sister, who’s husband just married his second wife this month, all the others I’ve read are essentially extended backbiting about their husband and more generally their co-wives, and complaining about their lives. Though I’m not a co-wife myself (yet – Allahu ‘alem for the future), the few co-wives I’ve been blessed to know personally as friends or in-laws (not via online blogs), have an attitude very similar to yours, and generally get along well with their co-wives, and I couldn’t understand why only the miserable ones choose to blog 😀 I wish I could forward this post to some of those bloggers – may Allah guide them and help them to find thankfulness and companionship in their lives and marriages. And may Allah continue to bless you and your family, and grow you in imaan and taqwa, and grant you jannat-ul-firdaws for your beautiful spirit.

Assamlaamu Alaykum Maa sha Allah 🙂 what a beautiful relationship you all have. I have tears in my eyes as I read this. Despite all my best efforts I am not able to have such a beautiful relationship with my co. She and her son despise me and blames me for many things. Unfairly so. It eats at me constantly. I can only turn to Allah and make duah that my sacrifice and my pain will be rewarded Insh Allah. I ask you all to make duah for all of us minfodliq.

We do have a great relationship and help with each others kids as well. I take and pick her kids up from school everyday, especially since she doesnt drive. Also now her daughter is getting married and we are all involved as she was when my daughter got married. Her oldest daughter and my oldest daughter work together at the disabled school I own and they work together wonderfully and help and support each other. We think of ourselves as one big family.

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